A Completely Random Story

   It all started when our overrated adventurer, Radioactive Man, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the third time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously pleased, Radioactive Man groped a potato, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Absolutely thrilled, he realized that his beloved diary was missing!  Immediately he called his overtly elitist, rich friend, Sponge Bob. Radioactive Man had known Sponge Bob for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were curious ones.  Sponge Bob was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... annoying. Radioactive Man called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   Sponge Bob picked up to a very sad Radioactive Man. Sponge Bob calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies yawn before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually wildly yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Radioactive Man.  Why was Sponge Bob trying to distract Radioactive Man?  Because he had snuck out from Radioactive Man's with the diary only two days prior.  It was a sassy little diary... how could he resist?

   It didn't take long before Radioactive Man got back to the subject at hand: his diary. Sponge Bob yawned. Relunctantly, Sponge Bob invited him over, assuring him they'd find the diary. Radioactive Man grabbed his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Sponge Bob realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the diary and he had to do it thoughtfully. He figured that if Radioactive Man took the hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle, he had take at least three minutes before Radioactive Man would get there.  But if he took the time machine?  Then Sponge Bob would be barely screwed.

   Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Sponge Bob was interrupted by six abrasive Care Bears that were lured by his diary. Sponge Bob panicked; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling concerned, he carefully reached for his dangerous oil-soaked rag and randomly attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the time machine rolling up.  It was Radioactive Man.

----o0o----

   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so he knew he was running late.  With a apt leap, Radioactive Man was out of the time machine and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Sponge Bob's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Sponge Bob was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the diary into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind his hippopotamus. Sponge Bob was relieved but at least the diary was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   'Come in,' Sponge Bob explosively purred.  With a hasty push, Radioactive Man opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive genocidal maniac in a hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle,' he lied.  'It's fine,' Sponge Bob assured him. Radioactive Man took a seat nearby where Sponge Bob had hidden the diary. Sponge Bob panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.  But Radioactive Man was distracted. A few unsatisfying minutes later, Sponge Bob noticed a dimwitted look on Radioactive Man's face. Radioactive Man slowly opened his mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   Sponge Bob felt a stabbing pain in his love handle when Radioactive Man asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the diary right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A annoying look started to form on Radioactive Man's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet 3-legged wallabies.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Radioactive Man nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Sponge Bob could react, Radioactive Man aptly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The diary was plainly in view.

   Radioactive Man stared at Sponge Bob for what what must've been five days. Happy as a frickin' monkey, Sponge Bob groped indiscriminately in Radioactive Man's direction, clearly desperate. Radioactive Man grabbed the diary and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Sponge Bob let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Radioactive Man,' he rebuked. Sponge Bob always had been a little pestering, so Radioactive Man knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Sponge Bob did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he gripped his diary tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   Sponge Bob looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Radioactive Man. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Radioactive Man. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Sponge Bob walked over to the window and looked down. Radioactive Man was gone.

----o0o----

   Just yonder, Radioactive Man was struggling to make his way through the secret vineyard behind Sponge Bob's place. Radioactive Man had severely hurt his armpit during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral Care Bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the diary.  One by one they latched on to Radioactive Man.  Already weakened from his injury, Radioactive Man yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Care Bears running off with his diary.

   About six hours later, Radioactive Man awoke, his kidney throbbing.  It was dark and Radioactive Man did not know where he was.  Deep in the enchanting secret vineyard, Radioactive Man was alarmingly lost. As if it really mattered he remembered that his diary was taken by the Care Bears. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life.  That's when, to his horror, a enormous Care Bear emerged from the swamp.  It was the alpha Care Bear. Radioactive Man opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Care Bear sunk its teeth into Radioactive Man's love handle. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Radioactive Man's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

   Less than five miles away, Sponge Bob was entombed by anguish over the loss of the diary.  'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened potato.  With a mighty thrust, he buried it deeply into his double chin.  As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Radioactive Man... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him.  But he would die alone that day.  All that remained was the diary that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise.  And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Care Bears, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.  Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead.  So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

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