Wednesday, October 27, 2010

haha another story with justin beaver this time!

   It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, Chuck Norris, woke up in a swamp. It was the third time it had happened. Feeling abundantly exasperated, Chuck Norris poked a gerbil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he realized that his beloved Eiffel Tower was missing!  Immediately he called his favorite Mormon, Wonder Woman. Chuck Norris had known Wonder Woman for (plus or minus) 61 years, the majority of which were flamboyant ones.  Wonder Woman was unique. She was easygoing though sometimes a little... insensitive. Chuck Norris called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   Wonder Woman picked up to a very sad Chuck Norris. Wonder Woman calmly assured him that most man-eating capybaras yawn before mating, yet albino cats usually charismatically cringe *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Chuck Norris.  Why was Wonder Woman trying to distract Chuck Norris?  Because she had snuck out from Chuck Norris's with the Eiffel Tower only six days prior.  It was a saucy little Eiffel Tower... how could she resist?

   It didn't take long before Chuck Norris got back to the subject at hand: his Eiffel Tower. Wonder Woman yawned. Relunctantly, Wonder Woman invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Eiffel Tower. Chuck Norris grabbed his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Wonder Woman realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the Eiffel Tower and she had to do it aptly. She figured that if Chuck Norris took the magic flying carpet, she had take at least eight minutes before Chuck Norris would get there.  But if he took the broom?  Then Wonder Woman would be ridiculously screwed.

   Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Wonder Woman was interrupted by ten pestering Care Bears that were lured by her Eiffel Tower. Wonder Woman yawned; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling angered, she deftly reached for her dull pencil and aggressively grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief.  That's when she heard the broom rolling up.  It was Chuck Norris.


   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so he knew he was running late.  With a quick leap, Chuck Norris was out of the broom and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Wonder Woman's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Wonder Woman was panicking.  Not thinking, she tossed the Eiffel Tower into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind her refrigerator. Wonder Woman was exasperated but at least the Eiffel Tower was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   'Come in,' Wonder Woman indiscriminately purred.  With a skillful push, Chuck Norris opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted rationality-deprived retard in a amphibious vehicle,' he lied.  'It's fine,' Wonder Woman assured him. Chuck Norris took a seat about two saucy furlongs from where Wonder Woman had hidden the Eiffel Tower. Wonder Woman yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted.  But Chuck Norris was distracted. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Wonder Woman noticed a pestering look on Chuck Norris's face. Chuck Norris slowly opened his mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   Wonder Woman felt a stabbing pain in her ear when Chuck Norris asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Eiffel Tower right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A abrasive look started to form on Chuck Norris's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Chuck Norris nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Wonder Woman could react, Chuck Norris aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The Eiffel Tower was plainly in view.

   Chuck Norris stared at Wonder Woman for what what must've been three minutes. A few freaknasty minutes later, Wonder Woman groped scandalously in Chuck Norris's direction, clearly desperate. Chuck Norris grabbed the Eiffel Tower and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Wonder Woman let out a curious chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Chuck Norris,' she rebuked. Wonder Woman always had been a little abrasive, so Chuck Norris knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Wonder Woman did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at her or something. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he gripped his Eiffel Tower tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   Wonder Woman looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Chuck Norris. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Chuck Norris. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Wonder Woman walked over to the window and looked down. Chuck Norris was gone.


   Just yonder, Chuck Norris was struggling to make his way through the lemur-infested moor behind Wonder Woman's place. Chuck Norris had severely hurt his ear during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral Care Bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Eiffel Tower.  One by one they latched on to Chuck Norris.  Already weakened from his injury, Chuck Norris yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Care Bears running off with his Eiffel Tower.

   But then God came down with His ingenious smile and restored Chuck Norris's Eiffel Tower. Feeling relieved, God smote the Care Bears for their injustice.  Then He got in His homemade car and jetted away with the fortitude of  61 Indonesian devil cats running from a enlarged pack of albino cats. Chuck Norris danced with joy when he saw this. His Eiffel Tower was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in six minutes his favorite TV show,  justin beaver, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When Indonesian devil cats meet unborn fetus'). Chuck Norris was giddy. And so, everyone except Wonder Woman and a few unborn fetus-toting venomous koalas lived blissfully happy, forever after.